Blueprint for the Home Pt 2, Expectations
Saturday, August 21, 2010 at 08:56PM We enter into relationships and marriage with the unspoken expectation that our partner has the same blueprint for marriage & home
Unfulfilled expectations lead to living in Disappointed, Frustration, Resentment, Bitterness
Prov 13:12. Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.
Where do these expectations come from?
Inside (inner longings) – influenced by nature, home, culture & environment
Some expectations are valid and real, while some are unreasonable or unrealistic
Expectations influenced by home:
Have unspoken rules
Your partner breaks rules they didn’t even know existed
ex. when do you clean the kitchen, making up the bed
Men expect woman to submit
Women expect man to lead
This is a Sin problem
Gen 3:16. To the woman He said: "I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; in pain you shall bring forth children; Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you."
Gen 4:7. If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but you should rule over it."
In Gen 3:16, God is not telling Eve how much she will love her husband. This statement is part of the curse. He is telling her that she will want to control him.
Notice the same use of the word "desire" in Gen 4:7, when God is speaking to Cain. Sin doesn't desire to 'love' Cain, but to control him.
Now notice that God told Cain he would have to "rule" over sin. Now notice the same word in God's statement to Eve.
- Ø Women don’t want a man to tell them what to do
- Ø Men don’t ask directions… and do anything to avoid confrontations
Expectations influenced by culture – which is constantly changing
We live in a Consumer Culture
- Pushes dissatisfaction with what you have w/expectation of the next best thing
There is always something better
- Programmed us to be selfish – think only of own needs
We think we’re entitled to everything we feel we need
Our wants become needs or rights – we feel as if we deserve certain things
Any unfulfilled needs become personal disasters (insults)
Relationship become all about how it makes me feel
- We want our relationships to fulfill all of our emotional needs
- We want the other person to provide pleasure
Constant evaluation of whether I’m “happy”
If I’m “unhappy” in my relationship – stress, neglect, partner not expressive, etc., it must be my partners fault for not meeting my needs
We revert to our programming from our consumer culture – choices
We “don’t fully commit” just in case we can get ‘something better’
This consumer mindset has made us picky and judgmental towards our partner
We are less patient and less tolerant and less willing to work on things
This is the opposite of love...
1 Cor 13:4-7. NIV
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
Love births commitment – which is the key to a successful, long-term relationship
Commitment is the ability to remain loyal, trustworthy and faithful, in spite of momentary feelings
Commitment and intimacy take time
Cinderella expectation:
Everything will get better when Prince Charming shows up to rescue you
ex. Pretty Woman & Deliver Us From Eva
The End…
We see marriage as the place of arrival
Do all the work up to the altar, then expect things to just work – without work
Marriage is the place of beginning – not the beginning of our happiness
Marriage is not for your happiness, but for your wholeness
We chase happiness more than we work toward wholeness
We look for someone to make us whole – “to complete us”
When we get that person, and happiness runs out, we start trying to change them
That’s the wrong person to work on changing in the relationship
Our work should be on our own wholeness
Not on changing them
But, it’s easier to identify what someone else needs to work on
Not enough people are willing to do the hard work of becoming a whole person
In God’s blueprint for relationships, Adam had purpose and responsibility first
Then, God gave Adam “help”
What you should look for is
- Someone who is guided by God’s blueprint
- Whose first expectations are of themselves to be whole and holy
- Who will “help” you reach your God-given destiny
- Will receive your “help” in return – sharpen each other
Prov 27:17. As iron sharpens iron, a friend sharpens a friend. NLT
You can’t quit in difficult times… Rom 5:3-5
We also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4 and perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 Now hope does not disappoint.
Stop placing your relationship expectations on someone else
Stop measuring others by the world’s expectations
Stop measuring yourself by your partner’s expectations
Start measuring yourself by God’s expectations & blueprint
Prov 24:3-4
Through wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established;
By knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.
The best relationship starts as an inside job and it takes time